RECLUSION PERPETUA

It sucks being alone, even when you know it's supposed to last for only three weeks. It sucks, too, knowing that the people you wanna be with are miles away and the only means of contact are through text and lagging Yahoo Messenger.

Yes, not seeing Milky sucks. But Milky not wanting to see me sucks even more.

I've met someone recently... and I think I've grown attached to her... and I think she might have grown attached to me as well. But, there's always a but. But she's not the same. She's not like Milky. I try to call her that but it's not the same. The harder I try to pretend or want her to be, the truth stands unscathed. She will never be Milky...

That sucks...

It sucks because I want to be with Milky, but Milky doesn't even know I like... Milky. It sucks when Milky thinks I like someone else, because that'll make Milky like me less.

Urgh... I'm sounding like gibberish again.

It sucks when I can't get my feelings out right, when people mistake it for something else. It sucks because, even through all the confusion, it makes me want Milky even more. It sucks because no matter how much I try, no matter how much Milky hates me, no matter how much Milky says so, I can't hate Milky at all....

DOWN IT GOES

I love the rain. Always have. One person taught me that whenever I had problems, I should go dancing in the rain. No, it's not because it would make me look crazy. That's already a given. First reason was that it would make me feel like everything just washes away. I become clean again. Second reason was that no one would be able to tell that I was crying.

I still use the rain for these reason. But recently, I've had some wonderful experiences under its gentle torrents that sometimes I wonder if I can still share my tears in the rain.

It was during a downpour that he offered me his arm and umbrella. He told me to stay close and never leave his side. Of course, I just had to oblige. I never really noticed that we were getting terribly wet. All I remembered was laughter and soft curses as we splashed our way down the road.

Sharing an umbrella seemed almost like a guilty pleasure. We were having fun while hiding under a cover. Or that's probably just me thinking that way.

It was also raining when she got bored. She had nothing else to do. So I offered my company and she accepted. We talked for what seemed like forever and only stopped when drowsiness was kicking on the back of our heads.

Even though we were never really together, we both felt as if we were just sitting side by side, both on a bed sitting by a window, watching the rain outside.

Right now, I'm sharing some more sweet moments with the both of them, together yet far apart. The rain is still with me. Even though I remember the times I used to cry underneath its own tears, I'm now glad to see it because it reminds me of something else, something happier. No longer tears from a forlorn and broken sky but promises of a rainbow on a brighter canvas.

TORN BETWEEN

Walking home the other day was uneventful, but there was something nagging in my chest. I was with both Milky's. In under "normal circumstances", this would've been fun. It should have.

But what to do?

If I side with one, I leave out the other. So basically, we just walked. Sometimes in a horizontal line. Sometimes in an irregular triangle, which is what we are. None of us tried to start a conversation or even made eye contact. I guess there was such thick tension that no one bothered to break it, not even me, the one person who "supposedly" has nothing to do with... you know.

I'm confused with myself. Every morning I tell myself that I'm going to change, that I'm going to be a better person. But every morning, the first things I see are their messages on the phone, saying good morning along with some snippets of a good dream, a joke or a sweet nothing, sometimes giving hints of a love that may or may not be there. I then slump back to bed. What can I do?

There might even be a third Milky...

Damn it...

Yaoi-chan, my surrogate mom, tells me to suck it up and choose. Shinra, the twin sister of my surrogate mon, tells me to grow up and move on. I don't know.

What do I do?

GOT MILK? pt. 4


I'm confused.

I keep on asking myself why i keep on falling in love when that's all i can do about it: fall.

I'm hopeless when I'm emotional. Even more when Milky is.

I just realized why I'm weak around him, around her.

She had a problem. So did he. I tried to help. I tried to make them smile because if they're not happy, I get this heavy feeling in my chest... like something is missing.
I tried to make them happy but all I can do are simple things. I'm helpless, when I can't help them.

I'm weak.

I'm helpless.

I'm in love.

I don't know.

I'm confused...

LETTERS...

For him:

Inexcusable.

I can't stand it anymore. I've decided here and now that I hate you. I hate everything about you.

I hate the way you mock me. I hate the way you look at me like you know everything about me. I hate the way you think of me. I hate how you think I'm weak. I hate how you say I'm better than you. I hate it because I'm not. I hate it when you smile at me and give that smile to someone else. I hate it because it's making me jealous. I hate it because I'm in love. And most of all, I hate the fact... that I don't hate you at all.

Damn it.

Inexcusable.


For her:

I'm sorry.

I didn't know what you felt. I didn't know mine. I don't know if it's ignorance. Was I supposed to know? Answer me if you can. Because I also want you to know...

I'm sorry I can't tell you today. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I'm sorry because I know you're not reading this right now. I'm sorry because everything that's happening is hurting me and you don't know anything about it. I'm sorry for pretending to be just like this. I'm sorry I'm smiling at you even when you're with someone else.

I want to tell you but I can't. If I do, I won't be able to hide my feelings anymore. I won't be able to playfully shove you at a joke. I won't be able to say "I love you, too" when you tell me I'm crazy. I won't be able to flick water at you when we're by a pool. I won't be able to dance with you in the rain. I won't be able to wait for your smile. I won't be... here anymore.

I'm sorry. I want to tell you... but for you... I can't.

For me:

Don't try to live so wise.
You know you're just a fool.
Don't try to hide your tears.
You know it's alright.
Don't dry your tears with lies.
You know you're going to hate hate yourself in the end.

Don't worry.
You know I'm here for you....

GOT MILK? pt. 3

It would be rude to call her the Other Milky. After all, I fell in love with her first.

I remember the day I first got to walk with her to school. It was nonchalant. We were carefree. We were just friends after all. Actually, just acquaintances. I don't know. What I know was that I remembered that day well because by nightfall, we were already exchanging messages one would expect from close friends.

I wouldn't say that we were very close ever since, but, to tell the truth, there was a bond, a special connection. I didn't want to ruin that by getting closer. So instead of letting it all out in a one hit-or-miss swoop, I just let my feelings trickle out through jests, playful shoves and silly nothings. It all was so nice.

Too bad it can't last forever. I can't last forever. I've got to let it all out sometime soon...

After a recent mixed-emotion type of a turn of events, I half-expected her to change. But Milky was still Milky. I still got to do all those sweet nothings with her and her with me. What we had, what he have is special.

But can it last? Maybe we've come this far because she really isn't aware of what she is to me.

Maybe not. I was one of the choices, after all.

Sigh...

I'm pressured to tell her I love her. I know that it's still too early for this but competition has appeared and I'm afraid I'm going to lose her. Unless I do something.

Should I? Should I not?

Time passes and the milk gets spoiled. I hope I get to tell her. I love her. I know I do.

Those sweet silly nothings aren't just nothing after all...

THE MORNING AFTER

Well, at least, by the time I woke up (11:45?)

Waking up in a strange room is generally a sign of previous bad judgment, particularly when you can't find your clothes...

Ok, ok, ok, who was I with last night? Can't remember. It all felt like a dream. It all felt so nostalgic. My head feels heavy. Maybe last night, I had a drink. or two. or twelve. Meh... probably best to just forget about it.

It was almost noon, but the room was dark because the curtains were drawn. I wanted to go back to bed and consider this a problem when it comes. I slumped back in the bed and tried to look for anything that looked like it belonged to me.

My phone. Alright. Finally. There was a message. I read it and it struck me. There was no party last night. There was no drinking. There WAS a someone and that's why my head was heavy.

Funny. Last night, I had a dream. When I woke up, it wasn't a dream. Talk about waking up on the wrong side of reality.

It was her. She was talking to me as if nothing had happened, but how come I feel like something did. I replied as I would to her normally. Damn it, she's good. Maybe the gravity of what happened hasn't hit her yet. Still, I'm rather suprised at how I got involved in all of this. One subliminal step at a time.

My head rushed. Three people now and three more in her past. A choice she made between two. One backing off. Darkness. I lied and hid a secret. Her hugging the pillow.What if...? Answer the question. Who was it...?

Waking up in a strange room is generally a sign of previous bad judgment. Someone knocked and called. I recognize that voice. My friend was calling me for lunch.

Crap. My life's full of it. I haven't even posted anything about the LOL Brigade yet.

Damn it.

I scratched my head and looked around the room for my clothes. When the world changes, even your own bedroom becomes a total stranger to you...

WHAT HAPPENED YESTERNIGHT

I know I'm stupid. There are a lot of times when I know something's going to happen, I know that still I'm going to end up getting hurt... but still, I end up doing it.

I know "grin and bear it" sucks, because I'm holding out on everybody,including myself. I've learned how to lie so well, I can convince myself that I'm happy just the way I am. I had to change my story so that it would have been easier for them to accept their reality. It's no fun fighting for something... that'll just... hurt me no matter who wins, because I lose both ways.

Read now, because this is the only time I'm going to let it out.

I've learned to grow up by myself, not needing anyone else. Even to people I'm close with (who can be counted with one hand), I keep a lot of distance from. I'm always alone, even when I'm with people. I'm alone. That way no one can hurt me.

I've hated falling in love - particularly because I fall in love with the wrong people. And I usually never fall out of it.

I curse dejavu and its promised endings. I've been disappointed so many times so why don't I learn?

I'm not going to say anything anymore. It's hard to follow up when someone goes ahead of you. The situation could only get worse if people knew I was involved.

No one's going to know, except for those of you who read AND know what I'm talking about.

I only wish both Milky's are happy with what they do.

I'm going to back off, stay by myself. That way, I'm not involved, I'm not in the way, I'm not getting hurt.

That way... I'm alone...

GOT MILK? pt. 2


I can't believe I still like him. Even after imagining and trying to live some moments where I'd hate him, nothing. I guess it's the real thing. I hate the feeling... yet still I feel like it's the best feeling I've had since... well, ever.

Ever since I realized I like him that way, I've just come to an automatic reaction that everything about him is cute. He was cute when he'd just walk up to me and tell me about his day. He's cute when he gets angry at me when I notice him take sneak pictures of me. He's cute when we fight with food. He's cute when he walks away from me then looks back at me from afar. He's cute when he texts or calls me in the middle of the night, saying silly nothings. He's cute, well, just because he is. Heck, I still think he's cute even when he likes somebody else.

I want what's best for him. I also know that he'll probably won't see me the way I see him. My brain's already convinced that I don't like him, that I've moved on. I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up...

So there, until it does, until I've completely moved on, I'll just continue to hope that maybe... he'll never notice.


Shit....



Damn it, Milky! Notice it already....

EMO CRAP

HEART

Everyone passes
But no one comes through
The door of flesh and glass
Red yet black and blue

Beauty of the fragile
Mortal divine
The door is opened
To roads intertwined

But the sight is blind
And beauty ignored
Everyone passes
The flesh and glass door

Shadows are cast
Where the light should seep in
Supple and brittle
The red has grown thin

Flesh may die
But the glass still lives
Forever alive to pain
Ignorance may give

Everyone passes
But not a knock on the door
Not even angels
Flap their wings my way anymore

Don't be sad
please don't cry for me
because I've already cried too much for you

I always see you
in my mind, in my head
there's a picture of the one love I once knew,

In my heart
that was once and will always
be true to you

...Page by Page...
my book fades
no longer white or gray
but darker and sharper shades

Don't ask me what I'm thinking
Believe me you don't want to know
I am sick of rhyming
About love that's touch and go

I'm sick of everything
I've thought about this through and through
I'm sick of thinking
of everything about you

I hate remembering good times
I hate reliving bad times
I hate reading and rereading
the lovesick rhymes I wrote about you

My Memories...
they hurt me
I can't accept it
but I know it's true

My Yesterdays...
they paint on me
bitter, bitter shades
of melancholy blue

I am a puppet of my past
I have cut my strings
I am falling fast
I am waiting for the impact

I believed in things that couldn't last
I'm fighting but I fail to stay intact